This has been my favorite quote since I was in high school and it made it to the top of my MySpace page's quote section.
I think about this question so often that whenever I sense a pattern of complacency in my life, I actively figure out what to do to ensure that if I were to die soon someone would be able to answer this question about me with a resounding YES.
Any artist will tell you that life isn't always full of passion. I'd guess that I only feel passionate about life, art, community, work, etc like 10% of the time.
The rest of the time I'm trying to find it.
That sounds kind of pathetic now that I've written it out, but can you name a person who is high on life 24/7? I can't. I don't think it's possible, and it's probably why there are so many drug addicts.
When I was younger I was so desperate for this feeling I'm attempting to articulate that I would actively do things to sabotage my life. I just wanted to feel something. Anything. This is because as a young person without a ton of life experience, the only way I knew how to feel was to be falling in love or falling down.
Go through a breakup and tell me how every single song on the radio sounds new or how a sunset hits different. There is passion in pain and suffering- similar to the passion and pain of falling in love when you love someone so much it physically hurts your heart.
These feelings are different but feel the same to me. When you're in it, these "Falling Feelings" are all-consuming. Everything means something. You notice every detail. Your senses go wild. Life, whether positive or negative, makes you want to write a poem or scream at the top of your lungs. There's an energy inside of you that you desperately want to release, but it feels impossible to do so completely.
But this way of life... this life full of passion... no one can always feel this way... it just isn't sustainable.
The way I learned to trick my brain into feeling the ways I just described was to follow my adrenaline.
So now I snowboard. I speak up when I feel shy. I say yes to a challenge. I wheat paste at night. I do things I'm afraid of.
Most of the things I post about on my social media I am terrified of doing. This specific wheat paste took me almost a week to do. I don't know why. I just know I'm scared every time I put one up.
To me, this is what I call "personal data." This data lets me know I'm doing something right. I'm feeding my soul. I'm slowing down time. I'm acting out of passion. And that's much better than dumping my partner, saying or doing something I can never take back, or moving across the country with $40 in my bank account (all things that have happened in the name of feeling something).
I think right now in 2024 it's more important than ever to act with passion. I won't pretend I always feel things, because most of the time, I'm pretty numb. The more I've spoken to people about numbness, the more I've realized this is not a problem unique to me.
We're all suffering from a lack of feeling, and though it sucks, it's ok. We just have to push through those plateaus and try to find the peaks and valleys. They are there, but sometimes the best way to find them is to do the things that are scariest to us.
Routine will kill ya.
I'd HIGHLY suggest listening to this Radio Lab podcast I recently heard about slowing down time. It's got a similar message to the one I'm talking about, so if you're someone who struggles with feelings of numbness, this one is for you.
If this post resonates with you, please let me know. Leave me a comment on social media or feel free to drop me a line at the bottom of this page. That goes directly to my email.
If you have feelings of numbness, you're not alone, and there are healthy solutions for you. I've got a literal list of them for myself. Let me know if you need some ideas.
